The Depth of Profound Sadness

there is a deep ache inside of me

i have felt it for years

since I was a child

i can't shake it

no matter how much i try

no matter how much healing, peeling off layers, releasing trapped emotions.

I have many labels and thoughts about it but it feels ancient.

is it...

empathy

compassion

grief

loss

self pity

trauma, mine or generational?

i feel no malice or ill intent, it feels very familiar

it feels like a dream.

it's way under the surface, i only notice it if i really look for it.

it is hidden deep inside of me,

way down deep in the subconscious.

it's a curious thing. it's there and it's not there at the same time.

as i've grown older I realise it's always been there and nowadays, because i know it's there, it feels so heavy, obvious and needing attention.

is this because the world is heavier or because i am looking at it full on with my multidimensional self?

how old is this? how far back did it commence?

no matter how truly happy or at peace I am in my life, it is whispering to me.

as a child we are full of joy, trust, love... we see the world through fresh eye's of joy,

a clean slate, then over the years we become heavy with the weight of our own experiences and other people's behaviours. we get lost.

we are not taught about our energy bodies and how to deal with emotions, situations and the wars of the world, so we stockpile.

we are taught that shit happens, you can't do anything about it, the professionals and adults know best... but that doesn't feel right.

how much of this do we bring with us from previous lives?

how much are we carrying, that is someone else's that we have absorbed?

how much is filtering through us from the collective consciousness?

how much of it is from the earth herself, her stories of past, present and future?

during a past life regression, once, I sobbed and sobbed. I saw myself, in an ancient life time, falling on my knees, I didn't feel like I was in a physical body,

my hands on the ground. myself and the earth were one, I felt her heartbeat and her heartache. It consumed me, so many tears fell.

It was so profound, i've never felt anything like this before.

will it lift? will it release in this lifetime? or is it part of my divine blueprint? is it just my shadow playing with me? in which case, i have to embrace it.

grief and sadness love to reside in the lungs,

this is where my physical symptoms have been in recent years.

each year it gets lighter and easier but it is a working progress.

i have hope that my journey will reveal the answers to my questions,

in the mean time i will continue to release the sacred tears that have a poetic relationship with my old friend and be very grateful for every breath i take.

most of this is in our head,

we need to be comfortable in the surrendering to the 'not' knowing.

be a clear channel of divine presence

i am blessed, just needed to express.

Eve.